To the Wanderers,

I’ve done a self diagnosis and concluded I have Leaky Gut Syndrome, but in my brain. This is not to be confused with brain fog, which I also experience. I forget very basic things like meet times, where I placed something, someone’s name I learned 30 seconds before, and pretty much the plot to every single book I’ve read or movie I’ve watched only once. Even my previous knack for remembering song lyrics right off the bat has been lagging. So yes, alzheimer’s is probably inevitable, but still, this does not fully describe the scope of what I’ve been experiencing.

I’m leaking way more than just information. I’m leaking energy. I use it up just by thinking about hypothetically doing something. You might call it decision paralysis, but I think that’s related more to overthinking, something my brain is certainly capable of. But still, this is a little different.

For example I’ll find myself standing in the freezer section of Whole Foods, perusing for a new flavor of ice cream by one of those bougie brands I can never remember the name of. I’ll be standing there reading all the flavors and then….hoo ha! I come back to reality who knows how long later, realizing I’ve just been hovering with my face close to the glass for a while thinking of…nothing? No it’s not the same as driving and suddenly realizing you’ve been on autopilot. If that were the case, I’d have grabbed a flavor of ice cream. All I know is I read all the flavors, but none of them actually processed in my head. It feels more akin to the CPU of a computer running so slow it won’t even load the search bar to begin with. Just a blank page.

Based on conversations I’ve had with other moms, I’m not alone in this. In fact, once I confess to having these types of moments, other women in the circle tend to sigh a breath of relief and we proceed to laugh about how funny it is we’re dying a slow, undetectable death. Underneath the amusement however, I sense an anxiety. Are we really deteriorating? Will it get better when our kids get older, or is this permanent damage? What about all the things I’ve been working my ass off to do and experience after this chapter of life..will I be able to do them? These are questions that trigger a cascade of body sensations. Tight chest, irritation, depression, and this unexplainable restlessness filling all the muscles of my body.

These questions feel intense for me because I’m one of those moms who is cursed with big ambition. I don’t mean that in a backhanded way. It genuinely sucks most days. For example- imagine the amount of satisfaction someone with my leaky brain syndrome should have after committing a full weekend to shoveling old mulch and deeply rooted weeds out of her front yard by hand. While any amount of productivity by one who spends 10 minutes picking out an ice cream flavor is an objective win, here’s what I’m thinking after two full days of strenuous labor:

“My next song production is going to cost x amount of dollars. Yet I just did all this work, and if I don’t buy materials and plants, it will all grow back within the week. Why did I do this to begin with? My priority is my music project right now! Oh it’s because we’re the only house on the street in ARKANSAS that looks like white trash and I couldn’t bear it anymore. And because I create better when my environment feels nice. Okay so I’ll go buy the materials. But that’ll take a whole added weekend to lay down the weed barriers, pavers, mulch, and plant. And I’m already really behind on my music goals- and I work every day this week. So I’m trading even more money and time towards this instead of my career. I should prioritize music. Gah but how long can I keep putting off all this house stuff?! Everything is deteriorating around me, like my brain!!!!“

This is a completely accurate snippet of the dialogue running through my mind constantly. It always has and it always will. This is also a completely accurate example of what Leaky Brain Syndrome looks like. It’s energy and resources being pulled in too many directions by too many consequential things. This is the burden-

Life does not wait for your dream. It keeps going. There is a reason most big name artists break out in their twenties or even younger. There is a reason most celebrities and pros did not have families first. A really ambitious dream requires a lot of energy input. A lot.

So what does that mean for those of us who invested in other parts of our larger dream first? I see one of three things happen. Either the dream is pursued to the point of losing other precious dreams, the dream is put on a “one day” back burner, or the dream is abandoned all together and new ones are made. Most of the women I know did the latter. In fact, most women I was surrounded with were raised to dream of their families. Isn’t that simpler? None of these are wrong choices, or right. It just is life. We all make these types of choices every day, like my choosing to use a weekend to make our home look nice than to record. The end results of our lives can be traced backward through all this macro and micro decisions.

The Danger of Leaky Brain Syndrome:

When dealing with Leaky Brain Syndrome, you are at high risk of making choices by default instead of by conscious choice. When I was standing at the Whole Foods ice cream freezer, I ended up just grabbing what was right in front of my face because I needed to get a move on. It was fine and good, but is that the process I want to follow for my life? Just throw a few dreams at the wall and see what sticks?

Leaky Brain Syndrome is a cycle- the more your energy is spread thin, the less energy you have toward your true god given dreams. And as a non-religious person, I say god given because I really believe that what you long for on your deepest most vulnerable level is as much a part of you as your DNA. The less energy you have to give toward your dream, the more of a burden to your happiness your dream becomes so that when you eventually part ways with it, it’s not actually as painful. It can even feel like a relief.

But wouldn’t it be better to choose intentionally when to let a dream retire, evolve, or expand? Wouldn’t it feel more aligned to not let them go out of pure exhaustion and defeat but because it’s what feels right?

This is what I’m advocating for. I believe our innate dreams and passions are the bridge between Heaven and Hell. And while the bar to entry is lower than it’s ever been for most dreams out there, it’s also the hardest it has ever been channel energy in a strong flow towards what matters most to you.

Our Homework:

Write down all the things that your energy is going to right now. Estimate what percentage of energy those things are taking up, and what percentage of your energy you feel should go there. What are the top 4 things that you feel deserve your full energy in general? What is the 1 thing that needs the majority of your energy right now?