Part I – A Clever Girl

This week felt crazy, but I’m starting to notice that I say that every week’s end now. The phrase “this week sucks I’m so excited for it to be over” is feeling more and more like I might as well replace the word week for life. And NO I’m not serious, but sometimes I’m close to serious. Life is a bitch, even if you have it pretty good. And that’s not lack of gratitude, because the funny thing is that the better my life gets, the more the grateful part of me bullies the part of myself that is struggling, and makes her feel small. It’s a conundrum the great psychologists of the world are still trying to figure out- how to hold both things at once. I’ll def let you know if I figure it out on my own but don’t hold your breath.

My thesis of this blog (yes I’m an absolute baffoon of a nerd), is in the title of this post. Clever huh? Well it’s clever for more reasons than you even know yet! I’m not just trying to be a rip-off and use hot Google keywords (though it works nicely that way). I happen to also be a former Mormon housewife! But unfortunately not much like the ones you’ve seen on TV. I’m sad to say it, but my face is still recognizable to my high school friends and things have been left to sag and deflate with little hope of revival. My lips are horrendously shaped like…lips. Without any extra poof or pout. And I never got the hang of contouring. So my life as a now ex Mormon housewife is not glamorous, and the only sense I can make of my misfortunes is that I’m either damned for leaving God’s church or for being too monogamous.

The second play on words in my blog title needs no explanation assuming the reader was also familiar with the Mormon Housewives bit. Life of a Showgirl, the latest Album by the one and only sensational Taylor Swift, who, might I point out, shares my initials. Another happy coincidence. And it’s fitting for my clever title because I am also an aspiring showgirl! Oh yes. Your current instinct to cringe is not only natural but also the most sensical response to hearing a 31 year old mother of 3 with no social following and no extraordinary talents say she wants to “make it”. Of the very few things I would actually like to have in common with Mormon housewives, such as money, platform, opportunity, (and fine boobs!)…the only thing I actually have in common with them is self-delusion.

Part II: My Secret Life

You might be asking at this point why I would bare my soul online knowing how ridiculous my dreams are, knowing the odds that I achieve even a sliver of my dreams are slim, and knowing how naive and vain it would make me look?

I’m not totally sure myself, but for now I’m writing this partly because my intuition has been saying for a while that I should, and also because I’ve been so profoundly inspired and helped by the vulnerability of other artists and dreamers that I figure I can at the very least, try to inspire people out there like me. The foolish, naive dreamers still walking slowly through the desert or sitting in denial. I relate to all of them.

For most of my life, I rejected and suppressed my dreams because I thought they were a reflection of my wounds, my insecurity, and my desire to be loved. I only saw qualities in my dreams I was spiritually and culturally conditioned to despise- vanity, selfishness, ego, wealth, and glory. Believing that about a dream that was so intricately woven into who I am was a slow growing cancer, wrapping around all the vital pieces of me. Where performing and sharing my love of music use to bring me so much joy, as I got older it only made me despise myself for so shamelessly seeking praise and attention. As I left my small town bubble and realized the suffering of the world, it reinforced my growing belief that a life in show business was vain when there was so much help needed everywhere I looked. I told myself that the phrase “art can heal” was more of a comfort blanket artists wore to help them sleep, and when we started our family, I couldn’t shake the feeling that pursuing a dream like this after having kids would be the most selfish thing in the world. The more I felt this way, the more my instruments collected dust. And the less I played, the less I could play. The few occasions I found myself performing in front of people, it was uncomfortable, embarrassing, and I felt a disconnection from my performance. I was stuck in trying to conjure the same joy performing use to bring me, and I felt deep shame for how much I loved and craved more of the compliments people would give me. I was like a severely thirsty little girl feeling guilty for receiving water. In the end, I think all I wanted was for someone from the outside to validate that sharing my gifts was not only my purpose, but the right thing to do.

That was not something anyone else could’ve done for me. I was the only one with the key to unlock the door to possibility.

Part III: The Infinite Whatever

I’m happy to say I’ve unlocked the door, and I’m walking down a long dark hallway with a light that only illuminates where I’m standing and where I’ve been- but nothing in front of me. It hasn’t stopped being scary, but the distance behind me now that I can see of all the steps I took and didn’t die is indeed a comfort. I’ll write more on the specifics what my life looks like now, and my relationship to my dreams. But for now, all I can say is I feel lighter. It’s a huge weight thrown off and fog lifted to shamelessly embrace the most authentic part of me. I’m much kinder to myself now, and that’s making me feel and think infinitely more kindly towards others- especially the bitches I use to envy.

I feel a motivation I could not conjure up before, because the thing that is more exciting than the actual dream is the version of myself I would need to become to sustain that dream. She would be healthy, organized, grounded, present, ambitious, confident, and probably wouldn’t binge so much TV. And above all, she would pour her heart into her music and her family every chance she could. I can’t guarantee success in the traditional sense, but if I die feeling like I’ve at least done that, that will plenty for me I think.

I’ll finish off with the only thing I can say right now that I 100% authentically believe:

If there is a longing for something that you have never been able to shake that you don’t yet have, don’t ignore it. It holds some essential information about yourself that you desperately need. It’s the key to the door. Look at it closely like a scientist holding a river rock. Remove bias, remove ego, remove fear, remove expectation. Over time, you’ll see something in it that you’ll realize is your truth. It’s your direct line to the Infinite Whatever that we’ll never fully understand- and life only improves when we hold onto that line and walk in the dark towards it. I believe that line sets us up to accomplish the most good, feel the most fulfilled, and glues all the important facets of our life together into an Eden of sorts, a perfect eco system just for us. I’m not living the dream yet, but I’m so much happier and so is my family. I’m living a dream– one that I couldn’t have anticipated but is beautiful and rewarding just the same.